Yesterday was my One Year Anniversary of recovery from Binge Eating Disorder. I posted the video below on all of my social networks and the response was quite frankly overwhelming. From comments from friends, to people beginning their journey of recovery ON THAT VERY DAY after watching the video, to people contacting me asking how to get started, I basically cried all day long and I am not complaining about it. It was HAPPY tears, GRATEFUL tears. (I’m TEARING UP just thinking about it now.) I told my friend Kimmy Darling that I was just trying to say thank you with this video and never dreamed my story would inspire this many people.
Last week, I saw an affirmation that hit me so hard, I felt like I’d been sucker punched in the gut. I was struggling with the “pressure” of my upcoming anniversary and my fear of relapsing when I was so close to a year in recovery. Because of some stress that I had been experiencing, I did exactly what I knew I did not need to be doing. I quit self-care completely. I quit writing affirmations. I quit having quiet, thinking, reflective lunches away from my desk. I quit meditating. I quit journaling. I quit reading. I quit looking for help. My weight went up. I was going backwards. Now, keep in mind, the “pressure” I referenced above was all internal. I placed it all on myself because of my fear and my obsession with what everybody else thinks of me. I was scrolling through Twitter, deeply re-entrenching myself in unhealthy past habits of denial of self-care when I saw the affirmation. Sucker punched. The affirmation said, “A “perfect” body is one that works, no matter what that may mean for your personally.”
Damn. My body works. Yes, I have all of these initials and disorders and intolerances but my body STILL works. Therefore, I have a perfect body. EVERYTHING NEGITIVE INSIDE OF ME SCREAMS WHENEVER I SAY THIS TO MYSELF. IT’S LIKE AN A-BOMB GOING OFF. That Negative Committee that meets in my head does NOT want me saying that I have a perfect body. It might actually be true!! HORROR OF HORRORS! I might actually believe it and love myself if I keep saying it!!! The voices are going, “MAYDAY!! MAYDAY!!! FULL HULL BREACH!!! WE’RE GOING DOWN!! EMERGENCY EVACUATION!!” They know that THIS SENTENCE, these WORDS are their demise and the key to my continuing recovery. That rolling gut, that lack of peace is how I know I need to keep saying it. I will keep saying it until my torso stops rolling in anxiety every time I even think it. I will keep saying it until Scarlett O’Hara, my inner child/symptom self/subconscious mind, stops adding “NO, YOU DO NOT” or “Yeah, a PERFECT body underneath all of that fat.” I will say it until she is silent and my brain accepts that my body is perfect exactly the way it is with no changes. Until I believe it. It is okay to accept your body as it currently is while you are still evolving. You do not have to wait until you weigh ___ pounds less.
We accepted our 50th member to the Facebook support group today and I am overjoyed. If you struggle with an eating disorder, body image disorder or general negative body image, diagnosed or not, male or female, you may join us. It is a closed group so you may tell your story when you are ready to do so in confidence that it will not be on your newsfeed. Positive Body Support Group
This weekend has been nothing less than amazing and I am so grateful to have the entire supportive community I do. I could not have made it this far without you. Thank you.