About 15 years ago, I was sent this jokey email in a forward. I have saved it and forwarded myself and posted it on multiple message boards through the years. The reason I retain it and continue to circulate it is because it's mostly true. Years ago, after reading this email, we bought my dad a 50 foot piece of 3/8 inch nylon rope as a gag gift for Christmas. He was so excited about that rope when he opened it, we were struck speechless for a moment and then debated telling him it was a gag in the first place. It was his favorite gift by far that year. His face just lit up when he saw what it was. Rope. Lawd.
Anyway, read below but know that down deep, men would seriously love to own 17 drills.
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these simple rules and you should have no problem.
Rule #1- When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. You can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2- If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3- If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4 - Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5 - You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a flat-screen tv with a DVR. He will fill it up with shows only men understand.
Rule #6 - Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7 - Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. We do not stink - we are "earthy".
Rule #8- Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9 - Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin any occasion and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10- Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Beaver Lumber, Home Depot, Lowe's, John Deere, Canadian Tire Store, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11- Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12-Tickets to a Denver Broncos, Colorado Rockies, Central Texas Stampede games are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13- Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #08 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14- It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15- Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.