Christmas Letter, 2011 Edition

The following was born from a conversation on Facebook where a friend and I decided we were too boring to write annual Christmas Letters to family and friends. I decided if I made it a work of fiction, it would be much more entertaining. My father has never let the truth get in the way of a good story so I took a page from his book. Enjoy!

Listening to the neighbor's thudding bass rendition of Frosty the Snowman reverberating through the trailer has inspired me to begin this year's edition of our newsletter. Speaking of, we'll start with the neighbors, as the situation with them has escalated after their cat got into the special brownies Junior left on their porch as a Christmas gift last Saturday. They claim that after eating the brownies, the cat yowled for hours while walking into walls and doors, attacked their 3 year old and tried to mate with the German Shepherd before horking it all up on the couch. I see nothing odd in this as the cat has been known to make out with yard toys and I do not see how we are to blame. I think they are still upset about Junior taking out part of their chain link fence and their flock of pink flamingos during that high speed chase last summer. He wouldn't have lost it in front of their house if they had not hosted a Slip-n-Slide competition earlier that day with the tarps FEMA left on their roof and some dish washing detergent. I am proud that Trixie took first place before breaking her ankle, though. She says it all got blurry after she became airborne.

I am to be a 33 year old grandmother (again) as Trixie is pregnant (again). We are excited and in preparation, have knocked out the wall of her bedroom and moved the shed flush with the end of the trailer for an extra room. The motion activated lights that were on the end of the trailer work perfectly for lighting. The hubby is concerned about the stability of it being 3 cement blocks in the air but I can usually shut him up with beer. We are not sure who the father of this one is but we have it narrowed down to 3 people this time. Hopefully, the nurses won't have to break up another fight in the maternity ward. I was not aware until that day that you could do so many things with a bedpan and I've been meaning to ask Junior where he learned that.

Other than making special brownies, Junior has been busy with his parole officer and the doctor has finally found a treatment for the suspicious rash that has been plaguing him for the last few months. I thought a dipping in gasoline like we do the coon dogs for fleas would have worked for him but the doctor thought not. Junior has moved into his own place in the yard and while it's not as nice as Trixie's new room, his cousin did hook up cable over there somehow. I'm thinking about getting him to my house. He is a wizard with wire strippers and duct tape. Junior thinks he has some sort of business opportunity with the unusual variety of mushrooms that are growing around the sewer lagoon he dug for his RV. I say as long it pays the bail bondsman, its good enough for me.

After my father passed away during a tragic jug fishing accident in the spring, sisters and brothers I'd never heard of started coming out of the woodwork and wanted a part of whatever Daddy left. We didn't have to go to court after we found out all he'd left us was a box of ammo and his large collection of 8-track tapes.

The hubby is still drawing disability and I am still gainfully employed at the Stab and Grab Convenience Store. Raja and Parvati are good bosses and have even forgiven Hubby for the robbery after he was found incompetent to stand trial. We just needed some toilet paper.

Here's hoping that your year was as quiet and peaceful as ours and that next Christmas, you have all of your family out on probation as I do. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!