Another set of initials

Yo.

Like a month ago I said I was going to try therapy. I said I would be reporting back. Well. I'm late but...

Ermergerd, EMDR may actually work. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. The deal in nutshell is the therapist will ask you what symptom you WANT to work on that session. It could be anger, fear, depression, impulsiveness, whatever. She will ask you to think or talk about a time when you exhibit that symptom the most and you will talk or think about what happens when it does. While you are talking or thinking, you will have earphones on that will give a low tone beep every few seconds in each ear. You will also be holding little plastic "buds" in each hand that vibrate. The therapist will keep having you think or talk about your emotions and physical reactions to the symptom until you feel no physical reaction any more. Until you are calm and back to "normal".  (THERE IS NO NORMAL. IT IS A SETTING ON YOUR DRYER.)

Now, Gawd only knows how beeps and vibratey things help you but the treatment has been around for decades now and research has proven its effectiveness. From what I've read, they used to be concerned about eye movement and would have you follow the therapist's hand during a session. They've about figured out the eyes have very little to do with it and really need to rename it. My therapist does nothing with my eyes at all. It's all beeps and buds at URGES Clinic with Jennifer B. Also, if you have problems concentrating to begin with, those beeps will be distracting and frustrating. Work through it.

Well. I had my first Beeps and Buds session on Monday. Yowza. (Yowza doesn't indicate a negative feeling.) She asked me if she was pushing me too hard and since I am not very connected with anything that is happening inside myself and like for everybody to generally think I'm okay, I told her I was fine. When I left, I cried for hours and had an almost 48 hour migraine. This is not acceptable and next time I will stop for a minute and actually think instead of blurting out what I think somebody else wants to hear. Still learning.

Through reading and talking, I've put two and two together and figured out I have Complex PTSD and have had it since I was a small child. Therefore, my first thought was, "Great. Another set of initials." No, I was never in an overseas war but there was a war in my world. Yes, you can have it if you are not a veteran. Yes, you can have it even if you've never seen anyone die. After doing more reading and more talking, I'm wondering how many of the other initials I have were actually PTSD the whole time.

ADHD symptoms can mirror PTSD symptoms especially in children. The inability to sit still, stay focused, the impulsiveness, the hyperactivity. Learning disabilities go hand in hand with ADHD but also with PTSD because research has revealed PTSD LITERALLY CHANGES THE PHYSICAL SHAPE OF YOUR BRAIN if you have it as a child. The medial pre-frontal cortex and hippocampus which controls emotions and short-term memory will actually change shape in children suffering from trauma. Dude. (Also learned I use humor as a coping mechanism.)

My PMDD may just be PTSD symptoms out of control because of hormone fluctuations. The ADHD may be PTSD symptoms in disguise. The SAD may have been triggered by my changed brain along with my OCD. My dyscalculia and dyslexia, ditto. I used to call the ADHD the Big Mama of my initials...now I'm wondering if I was misdiagnosed.

Yesterday I had an epiphany. A breakthrough. Already. While I was figuring out what I wanted for lunch, a voice I had never heard spoke, unbidden, in my brain using words my therapist had only used until that point. I had decided to numb myself with food which I have been doing consistently for years. Decades? It didn't even seem like a conscious choice anymore. The voice said, "Who wants that food? Who just made that decision? Your adult self or your symptom self?"

I sat in my car in shock. Reeling. Every good decision I ever made about food was a fight with myself and a result of shaming myself for it to happen. There was no fight or negative emotions here. It was calm. Peaceful. Quiet little voice. Wow. I repeated that word a hundred times yesterday because I had no other words to express it. I have not even discussed the food issues with my therapist yet. The only thing we worked on Monday is my anger. Perhaps my anger and my eating are connected? Perhaps my brain just decided to use a lesson it had been taught? I do not know yet. What I do know is I'm not fighting with myself about food. There is a peace there. I'm not saying I'll lose a hundred pounds by May. Weight loss is not why I'm in therapy. If it is a fringe benefit, I am okay with that but it is not what I'm focusing on. I am focusing on healing. All of me. Not just the outside.