This is what I know. For right now, at least. Part I

I want to write about some of the things I’ve learned in the last 6 months of therapy. I want to share some of the things I’ve been doing that has worked for me and to tell you a little bit about my journey so far. This will be a numerous issue blog series and I will post the previous links at the top of page for those who start in the middle of it. I will start by saying that we all know I have issues. They are no secret and I’ve mentioned many of them on FB posts and in blogs before this but have not given all of the info in one place before. I have no shame about the issues anymore and if I do discover some small corner with a little shame left, I try to root it out since I did not ask for any of the issues I have. Shame is a Bully (Which I learned here) and I hate bullies. I also will not keep any of this a secret anymore for three reasons: 1) I have no shame about it and where there is no shame, there is no need for secrets. 2) Brené Brown taught me that vulnerability is not the same as weakness and that shame is the source of most of my problems. 3) If I talk about what I’m learning and what I’m struggling with I will find others who have been through it and can help me and I will help others who are not as far along as I am. Give, give, get.

If you have questions about things I’ve written or will write in the future, by all means ASK me but here’s what we’re not going to do; we’re not going to reverse the progress I’ve made by whispering about it (trying to remake it shameful and back into a dirty little secret). Be courageous and ask me in the light of public. If you hit upon something that I have decided not to reveal to the general public for whatever reason, I will tell you. I get to choose who is worthy of trusting with the really personal pieces of my story. If you have something to tell me about yourself that you do not want on a public forum, send me a private message. If you’re asking me something about things I’ve already shared and doing it openly, I will probably answer you honestly so make sure you want to know the answer before you ask.

I started therapy in January. I am not on any anti-depressants because I want to deal with what is causing the problems and fix the behavior. Our thoughts are the cause of 99% of all of our issues. I have to change my thoughts to get results and it’s a daily battle. It takes a while but I am determined to succeed.

This is what I know that has been diagnosed CORRECTLY:

• Complex PTSD (not ADHD. I’ve had PTSD since I was a toddler from physical, mental and emotional abuse from one source and sexual molestation from another.)
• A slight case of OCD
• SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder which is treated with a light therapy box)
• PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder which is a mood disorder and is treated with birth control and the light therapy box mentioned above)
• BED (Binge Eating Disorder which is also known as Emotional Eating or Compulsive Eating)

I also know these things which run higher in people who have experienced trauma:

• I have allergies and asthma
• I am gluten intolerant
• I have high blood pressure
• I am obese
• I had migraines, acid reflux, joint pain, swelling, and bloating until I took the bread and sugar from my diet at the beginning of March

This is what else I know for sure:

• When my adult self/conscious self is in control, I have peace (more on adult self & symptom self in another blog post). Internally. I can FEEL the peace inside myself. I can feel the waves of calm and it is a glorious thing after the turmoil of the last 30 years.
• When my symptom self/inner child/unconscious self is in control, I have no peace at all. My guts jump around. I literally feel the lack of peace in my torso and it feels like an earthquake in there from the stress. I have unbridled anxiety. I binge uncontrollably. I cannot focus my thoughts. I cannot control my rage. I am irritable, short-tempered and often react from a place of shame when my symptom self is in control.

I worked on my PTSD triggers and reactions constantly at the beginning of therapy and like an onion and sometimes just as stinky and tear-filled, have peeled back all of the problems my rage was hiding. The layers of denial and lies that I told myself were revealed when I started paying attention to my thoughts. My eating disorder was revealed when I started listening to Jiminy Cricket. I’ve mentioned Jiminy before but if you didn’t read that particular blog, Jiminy is the name that I’ve given my adult self/my conscious self. Again, more about the different selves in another blog post. Jiminy piped up one day when I was on my way to lunch and was planning my usual gleeful free-for-all eating spree when I was alone at lunchtime. As I reached for the car door that day, Jiminy said, “Who wants that food? You or your symptom self?” It was the first time I’d ever had anything speak in my head besides me and frankly, I thought I was turning into the kid in The Shining. I emailed my therapist to make sure I wasn’t going even more crazy than I already am. She said that was exactly how it was supposed to work. Well. It was disconcerting but effective. Jiminy hasn’t shut up either and hopefully will be my companion until I am not longer on this Earth.

I’ve had quite a few women confide in me about their body image issues and food issues since the start of my journey down this road of recovery and it is for them that I am writing this. I am hoping that by reading someone’s story, it will give them hope that they can heal as well or at least will not feel like they’re in this alone anymore. Our problems may not be identical but a lot of the feelings and thoughts are similar. I remember when my gyno first diagnosed me with PMDD. My first reaction was, “GRAND. ANOTHER SET OF INITIALS.” My second reaction was, “Oh thank Gawd there are other women like this. I thought I was just a bitch.” Turns out there’s a reason I want to murder people one week out of each month and I’m not alone in that either. If you can find a support group for whatever you’re struggling with, you will have a much greater chance of recovering no matter what the issue is. You will have to admit that you have a problem in order to find that support group but believe me, facing the demons is a lot less painful than 20 or more years of addiction. I know this from experience.

Technorati Tags: PMDD,PTSD,OCD,Binge Eating Disorder,Therapy,Symptom Self,Support Group,Adult Self,Recovery