My Dear John Letter

On Life without ED you can write your Eating Disorder, whatever kind it may be, a goodbye letter. Oh wonderful catharsis, how I love you. Yes, you’re damn straight, I wrote my ED a Dear John. Wanna read it? Here you go.

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Ms. Binge Eating Disorder,

This is a Dear John letter so brace yourself. I've written them before but not to something that lives inside me. I need to tell you this: You will no longer get to call the shots. Today - TODAY WORLD, ARE YOU LISTENING!?- Today, I celebrate 90 days binge free. No binges. NONE. I did not do it alone and I will not continue to succeed without the support group of tools, books, websites and people I have found since I began therapy six months ago. I did not know that you existed 90 days ago. I thought I just "loved food", "loved to eat". I still love good food but unfortunately for you, I do not binge anymore. I am not out of control. I stop eating when I'm full. I do not hide food. I eat in public. In broad daylight. I know that drives you up the wall and I am absolutely gleeful about that fact. Neener, asshole.

You lied to me. You said you could make me feel better, make me not care about the emotions and feelings that were bubbling to the surface, always present even while numbing with food. You said you could make it better. You told me you'd help me cope. You said I could always turn to you and you'd always be there for me. You said I wouldn't have to deal with anything. You said I wouldn't have to feel the pain or relive the memories or replay the hurt. You betrayed me and I'm so glad you did because now I am free.

You are toxic, poison, fatal and I will no longer allow you to take up space in my beautiful and wonderful body. My body is mine now, MINE, MINE, MINE, and I am in control now. You are no longer needed. My emotions are mine and I am feeling every one of them. They are much too important to numb and much less horrible than you led me to believe. My thoughts are mine and I will be in control of them, not you. You have caused me to have to question every bite of food I put in my mouth but my FREEDOM from you exists because I am honest with my answers to myself so I will continue to have this conversation daily, numerous times a day, with my body because of you. Because I am free from your prison.

Honesty. Truth. Freedom. Light. Love. Peace. Joy. These are not in your vocabulary and because they are not in your vocabulary, you will not control me any longer for these are the things I am made of. I am not your puppet. You pull the strings no longer. You are dismissed.

Fuck off,
Cindy