What I Know, Part III

This is a ongoing series of blog posts about my journey so far in therapy. For the previous parts of this series, click here: Part I, Part II.

The 15th of this month was my 200th day binge free and some things have changed for me in the last few months since my last blog. I’ll list a few of them out below all organized like:

• I do not have a conversation with myself all day long about food anymore. I thankfully do not have to do that anymore. The only time Jiminy pipes up (if you don’t know who Jiminy is, read this.) is when I am reaching for food before the time that I normally eat or if I am particularly stressed out. I’m beginning to trust myself and know that I am and have been making good and healthy choices for myself and will continue to do that. Trusting yourself is a very good thing.
• I do not feel like I am struggling every moment of every day anymore. Choosing myself has become a habit and I do not have to think twice about it. Making self-care a priority is second nature now and I am honest with myself about it. I do not tell myself no and tell others yes when it needs to be the opposite if I’m exhausted.
• I have taken up meditation and yoga. To quote my boyfriend, I have “more frazzled days” when I am not practicing meditation. It feels like prayer to me and helps with my anxiety, focus and the ability to be present/mindful.
• I am continuing to lose weight because I am listening to my body. Stopping when I’m full. Eating when I’m hungry. Not eating for any other reason. Being present in my body and mind. In the moment. I have been asked what is my “goal weight”. I do not have a goal weight. I am not on a diet. I am in recovery. My “goal” is not thinness. I endeavor to be HEALTHY in every way. I trust my body to use the food I eat in way that works best for it and if that means that I have fat on my thighs, that is okay.
• I am writing affirmations daily before I eat lunch each day. This is helping me to retrain that negative committee that meets inside my head. I can tell when I skip a few days of it. My thinking starts to get bogged down again and I start thinking bad things when I see myself in a mirror, even with the weight loss. I cannot love others if I do not love myself and this is not the person I want to be.
• Being my whole, true self is getting easier. This is NOT A HABIT yet. I AM NOT COMFORTABLE with this yet. This is still something I have to be conscious of and choose daily, every moment sometimes, but it is getting easier at least.
• Rage is not simmering in me at all times anymore. It is still very easy to fall back into because I lived in it for two decades, it feels comfortable. I know how to act when I’m raging but rage is not something I need anymore. I am learning how to act with acceptance as my guide. Acceptance of the trauma, of the disappointments, of my stolen childhood and innocence, of what I’ve done to myself because of the choices I’ve made, of who I am and who my family is. Acceptance is something I’m exploring and have not been to all of the corners of this place yet but when I do, I’ll come back and tell you what it looks like. I know that it feels peaceful. I’m not used to that yet.

I am thinking about getting a tattoo when I am one year binge free in celebration. In remembrance of all I’ve done and all that I’ve left behind and all I will never go back to again. I do not have any tattoos but have always wanted one. I just never could decide what to get or where to get it. I’m narrowing down the choices now and looking at artists’ work around my area to take the plunge next year. I will keep you updated. Stay strong, my peeps.

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