A Year To Remember?

I highly doubt I will ever forget it. As I see friend after friend post photo memory flip books through their Facebook pages with comments such as, "It was a great year! Thanks for being part of it," I can't help but think, "Yeah. I'm not going to be making a virtual memory book of this year." No, thanks. I don't want to have to think about the "high points" any more than I already have. Then I realized I have not really talked out in the open about all of this for fear of how it could possibly get twisted in legal proceedings. The problem with this is that a large part of my healing comes from writing so I decided that I will share this. Fear and twisting be damned.

I saw a graphic today that said, "Winter is a season of preparation and healing." The truth of that statement for this year of my life hit me as I thought about the recovery I have been trying to accomplish in the past few months.

I had a brief glimpse of the Cindy pre-wreck (and pre-post concussion syndrome, broken orbital floor, and compounded sinus issues) at the end of October when I had few blissful days of no headache, no sinus infection/ear infection/lung infection, no doctor's appointments, no debilitating fatigue, no heart palpitations, and only a few cognitive issues (I'm honestly wondering at this point if those will actually ever leave). I met some new people, enjoyed a few events, visited with friends without having to plan resting time in between, and had so much fun being social. Being me. As an extrovert, I get energy from being around other people and this summer (and fall and winter) of forced solitude has sent me spiraling headlong into a depression out of which I have not yet been able to crawl. It seems that I pushed my social self too much in October and my luck ran out because to my overwhelming frustration, all of my symptoms came roaring back with a vengeance the instant I thought I finally could have a life again.

In short, I am struggling and few people seem to notice. That's not a condemnation of the people around me. I have too many years of practice at putting up a fake perfect front. Most folks don't/can't see that I'm lying. I try not to whine. I try. I try very, very hard to be grateful. To see the positive side and to focus on that. But I also get to say, because the struggle is part of my story too, that I am not doing very well right now and I've been faking it for quite a while. I feel guilty for even saying that because somebody ALWAYS, ALWAYS has it worse than me. But sometimes I just need to be reminded that I will eventually heal completely and it WILL get better. That I am worth a few good thoughts as well. That this WON'T last forever. But if nobody notices that I'm not around and am not my normal self, who will say that to me but me? I've said it to myself so much this year that now my inner critic is snapping back, "Yeah. Right. When?"

I have felt the distance of living 45 minutes one way away from the majority of my support group and also the loneliness of most of my 3D friends moving away. I discovered this year that I only have one local friend in which I can truly, truly depend on for anything who  stays in contact with me. I am a lot of mess for just one person with a full life to have to deal with. I did not notice I had let my friend situation get to this sorry state until it was too late (and I was too sick) to remedy. Frankly, if it were not for social media, I would be in a psych ward right now. Well, social media, meditation, and a year of therapy. Talk about good timing.

So that's my year since May 9th. Pain, irritation, anxiety, panic, frustration, loneliness, loss, silence, fear, second-guessing, depression, and confusion. I am using this season as a time to heal and prepare. To prepare for an eventual legal settlement and perhaps a sinus surgery. To continue to rest and heal the PCS cognitive issues. I am not doing very well right now and I'm allowed to say it.