May 9th One Year Out

I had a car wreck a year ago today that has proved to be life changing. It resulted in a surgery and a year of concussion/TBI symptoms (so far).

When I remembered it, I was upset that I had just put new tires on that car. It took me a couple of weeks to remember that. Snort.

The next week was interesting.

And honestly, it’s a blur of emotions and pain.

I let go of a 7 year relationship 8 days after the wreck.

The baby shower I was to host the day after the wreck got rescheduled about the time that I was in the thick of all of my post-concussion symptoms. That was also interesting but the shower happened (with help).

And then the memory problems set in and I went to a wedding and faked it.

And then was in the room when this one entered the world.

Then I learned that it was okay to go slower than I ever allowed myself to go pre-wreck and even to STOP when I needed to. I STOPPED for half an hour and watched this develop one evening after work.

Next I figured out that if I had the energy to go outside and wander around, even if just for a little bit, it helped me somehow.

I found the brain power to pass a CPR/First Aid recertification class.

I found the courage to chop off my hair.

I did Jackson. I don’t know how but I did.

I found the energy to be there when Liesel discovered Harry the Bunny.

I discovered coloring again.

Then figured out the connection with light therapy and concussion and started to slowly see consistent improvement and progress.

I began to feel like I have a life again.

I am a different person since the wreck. Cindy 2.0 is how I refer to myself now. So different, I am nowhere close to being the same person mentally or emotionally. My personality has changed and I had to figure out how to deal with all of the symptoms of brain injury while trying to figure out who I am now as a person. I have a life again but still can’t push myself too hard. I got a headache after a few hours at Live at 5 last night which is a sure sign that I need to unplug and chill out unless I want large and scary holes to form in my vocabulary and short term memory. Post it notes are my external memory source now and I do not know what I would do without my smartphone’s ability to keep up with appointments and reminders. I have to get enough hours of QUALITY and CONSISTENT sleep each night (8 or more hours) or I will begin to forget things that I shouldn’t forget. Staying up until 3 am as I did pre-wreck is out of the question. The forgetting is very frightening. I am still healing. I know I will continue to heal. I have hope that I will be able to heal my brain and memory to the point it was pre-wreck but I have no illusions about being the same person I was a year ago. Even my writing is different and I have to re-read many times to make sure what I wrote makes sense to people besides me. I will never be Cindy 1.0 again and I am becoming okay with that.

I have become very good at setting clear and immediate boundaries where my energy and healing is concerned. I feel like I’ve said no more than any other word this last year and there is disappointment there because I did not have the energy to be social. The internet and text messaging has been my lifeline because nobody can hear me struggling for a word when I’m typing and I can still stay connected to my friends and support groups. It has also helped me be my own medical advocate and figure out what will heal me on my own.

A year ago right now, I was mentally numb and very confused. Sitting in a fog filled car with a person walking toward me, nothing seemed to function correctly and I knew something was wrong with my face. I refused to look at it until help got there in case I completely lost it if a bone was sticking out somewhere it wasn’t supposed to be. My contact had been knocked out of my left eye and I would find it on the passenger seat when the cop asked for my license. It was raining. It also didn’t dawn on me that every time I wiped rain and blood off the face of my cell phone the 5 minutes I started at it trying to remember who I needed to call that my left eye was blurry and wouldn’t focus on my phone. Knocked for a loop. My knees hit the dash and I was able to kneel on them without pain about 6 months after the wreck even though nothing was broken. I am not a peaceful passenger anymore and have started EMDR therapy for the PTSD symptoms. II learned that TBI can mimic depression symptoms and began using my light therapy box from which I have seen much improvement.

It has been an interesting year. Very eventful with long stretches of pain, sickness, boredom, frustration, irritation, and terror. It’s hard to put all of it in one post but I tried. It’s not eloquent but it gets the job done. That seems to be my motto these days.