No, I’m not joining a nudist group

I’m a little hard-headed. Those who know me in 3D are going, “Wuh? A LITTLE?? Are you KIDDING ME??!?” Alla y’all need to shut up.

So yeah, I’m a little hard-headed (I said shut up) and tend to beat my head against the proverbial wall until I pass out and wonder what I’m doing on the floor when I was supposed to be beating my head against the wall so I get up and get back to it until… you get the drift. I try to be open to subtle suggestions and hints from people and things around me but I don’t really do subtle well. Okay, I’m gonna be honest here. I am as subtle as a wrecking ball in a Waterford plant. I barge FULL STEAM AHEAD at the HIGHEST RATE OF SPEED I CAN PHYSICALLY MUSTER until I hit something that won’t move. I have to hit it more than once to realize it’s not moving. I have to hit a lot. Then I get mad because it’s not moving so I hit it some more. Because it’s became a habit now. (I am an Aries. It is PERFECTLY apropos to picture a ram at this point.) Then, after the fog from the 4th concussion clears, I says to myself, “Cindy, (that’s what they call me around here) listen, Cindy,” I says, “I think you’re supposed to learn something from this, since it’s not moving and all,” and myself might say something like, “Duh.”

I have always been like this. Literally. My shins to this day on x-ray look like a topographical motocross track because I HAVE NEVER went AROUND anything in my entire life. I go THROUGH the middle of things. After running into a coffee table for the umpteenth time as a child, my mama looked at me and said, “Can you not go AROUND ANYTHING?” I looked at her and said, “It should move for me.” This has been my personal belief since drawing my first breath of air to fuel my first scream and I have thusly been constantly covered in bruises ever since. Emotionally and physically. If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, the Muhammad must go to the mountain. Then walk directly into it. Repeatedly. Until it moves.

Well. March 24th, about 200 girlfriends and I had church in Jackson with an author friend of mine named Jill Conner Browne. (She retaught me the power of play and laugher and if you haven’t read her books, you need to purchase them and read them post haste and this is an whole ‘nuther blog unto itself so I’ll stop now.) In that wonderful, hilarious sermon, we heard from her how we tell ourselves things internally that we would NEVER EVER SAY ALOUD to another human being. Negative self-talk. Years ago, I would say these negative things to myself out loud. I stopped that long ago but have very, very slowly became aware that I am still doing it internally. So, I’ve been pondering this.

Then, if you read my blog, you know about the whole Dr. Brené Brown thing and about how I was being beat over the head to pay attention (read: examine the shame that I didn’t know I had). The second part of the Super Soul Sunday talk was about shame and whoooooooooooooo BOY, did it hit home. (If you didn’t know there would be a test, you can read the above mentioned blog here: You need to watch this. Yes, you. Click here.) I was carrying so much shame about my body that I had reached out to NINE DIFFERENT PEOPLE to help me complete a simple task. I could not complete it without their help because of the SHAME weighing me down.

I have also been processing my last therapy session where Jen B. asked me a question about my body and I started crying. She asked me what those emotions were. I said, “I am ashamed of how big I’ve let myself get. Disappointed that I couldn’t deal with my problems without numbing with food. That I wasn’t strong enough to deal with it on my own. That I needed a ‘crutch’.” She said, “You are beautiful no matter what your weight is.” I said, “HA! No I’m not.” She said, “Yes you are.” I thought, “No I’m not,” but did not say anything else. I imagine she knows that I was thinking that. I tend to telegraph what I’m thinking onto my face and she’s kind of a therapist and everything.

So I’ve been pondering negative self-talk, shame, body issues, weight, and all of those light and lovely topics for literally weeks now when a friend posts this link today: Dear Gawd Almighty, it's good. Two highlights from this very, very powerful blog that you need to read right now go read it don’t just keep reading this why are you still reading this go click the damn link for the blog. They are these:

• There are some who take communion and anti-depressants and there are those  who think both are a crutch.

Come in close — I’d rather walk tall with a crutch than crawl around insisting like a proud and bloody fool that I didn’t need one.

• I wanted the brave to speak Truth and Love:

        Shame is a bully and Grace is a shield.  You are safe here.

To write it on walls and arms and wounds:

No Shame.
No Fear.
No Hiding.
Always safe for the suffering here.

Whoooooooooooo lawd, you see what I’m talking about? (I printed out that blog and posted it on my cube wall at work.) Well, that ain’t all, honey.

ANOTHER friend, then posted THIS link a few hours after that link above: The universe is beating me over the head. I get it, I get it. “How do I raise my baby girl to love -- or, at the very least, not to hate -- the same features I have picked apart for so long? Perhaps there is no surefire way to vaccinate a girl against insecurity about her physical appearance, but I have to try. Part of that effort, I know, will mean finally letting myself off the hook: not only learning to embrace myself and all my imperfections as "enough," but also forgiving myself for the emotional abuse I have engaged in against my body for most of my life.” and “I hope she always believes she completes a picture, not that she ruins it.”

Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl. SquallFest. Big snotty ugly cry. Cause that’s what I’ve been doing. I picked up a camera for the first time seriously when I was at my largest. If I was behind the camera, nobody would be taking photos of me. I wouldn’t have to be reminded of the tub of lard I was. Hiding inside myself. Invisible because I am so large. You see? Because I see. Now I get it. I will probably get it more in the coming weeks. The lesson is probably not all the way taught yet but I’m getting it. For now, what I know is these things which I have never known before:

• My body is a tool and I should be GRATEFUL for it.
• Should APPRECIATE it.
• Should ACCEPT IT.
• (I AM SQUALLING WHILE I’M WRITNG THIS!)
• It is capable of WONDERFUL THINGS that I do not give it CREDIT for and is BEAUTIFUL.
• IT IS BEAUTIFUL. YES IT IS. (I’m arguing with my inner voice here.) Yes, it is. (No, it’s not.) Yes. Beautiful. (Ha! It-) Shut up. (It said okay. It’s quiet now.)
• I should forgive myself for waging warfare by gaining weight because it was my way of coping. I am a survivor. I am thriving now. I don’t need the weight to cope anymore. It was a crutch and I needed a crutch at the time. I do not need it anymore. I am setting it free. It has served its purpose.
• I will be very diligent about what I say to myself in my mind. I will not say things to myself that I would not say to another human being. I will say the things to myself that I say to other people.
• Shame is a bully. I hate bullies. I’ve been letting more than one kind of bully live inside me. I hate bullies because they do not let people be themselves. I am shedding this shame.
• I need to CELEBRATE my body. No, I’m not joining a nudist group but I will take pride in the fact that this body has worked as hard as it has to get me to the point I am now in life. Which is much farther along than I was 3 months ago.

This is me in 2006. I am not posting this to show you how skinny I was once compared to now. I am posting this because when I lose this much weight (again), it will not be for a man. It will not be because I want to get into a bikini to look a certain way. It will not even be for health reasons (though, that is a great reason to lose weight). It will be because I am not hiding in plain sight anymore. It will be because I believe that I can protect myself with extra weight. I believe that I am powerful enough without being obese. Remember that when you see the Shrinking Cindy. She is not shrinking inside anymore.